the Apostle Annetta

Couldn’t let this pass without sharing. An online creative writing course from Don’t Confuse the Narrator. Have read – it might be just what you’re looking for…

don't confuse the narrator

I’ve just published a new creative writing course on the Udemy platform: Inspirations for Creative Writing provides a range of practical activities, ideas and prompts for poets and other writers. The course has around 90 minutes of video classes, with a range of activities and examples to download. It’s the fifth course I’ve published on the site and I’m proud that The Essential Poet’s Toolbox for Readers & Writers, which has been online for a couple of years, is a bestseller.

One of the things that the Udemy platform does for instructors is provide automatic captioning for the videos; but although this is a useful service, it isn’t by any means a perfect system.

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Competition Time

Still not in Back to Work mode? Spend a few hours with these little opportunities and see what you come up with. Think of them as the hors d’oeuvres to the main meal of your story writing.

And thank you Unsplash photographers for the free use of the pic

Free To Enter – the Telegraph Online ‘Just Back’ Travel Writing Competition. If you are just back from somewhere slightly more interesting than a bus stop, then the Telegraph Online would like the exciting details in up to 500 words. You can read previous winners on the website. A ‘voyage’ across the Mersey is one of them – proving that you don’t have to write about anywhere exotic to scoop the prize.


Picutre Courtesy of Unsplash.jpg
Picture courtesy of Unsplash

Closing: Monthly. Prize: £200 in your choice of currency.
 Email your entry, of no more than 500 words (with the text in the body of the email), to justback@telegraph.co.uk

Free To Enter
– The Val Wood Prize

2018: Women’s Writes competition,  now open for submissions. This annual freebie from the website of author Valerie Wood is open to anyone over the age of 16 regardless of gender.  This year the contest is celebrating 100 years since married women won the right to vote.  Stories should therefore have a strong female protagonist.  Other than that you are free to write about anything you wish.  Story length 1,500 words Closing: 15.9.18 (5pm). Prizes: £100, £50, £25, £25. 
Details here

Free To Enter – Harvill Secker and Bloody Scotland have joined forces to launch a competition to find a debut crime writer from a BAME (Black Asian Minority Ethnic) background. The winner will have their book published, under the Harvill Secker imprint, in a publishing deal with an advance of £5,000. The winner will also receive perks alongside their publishing contract, including a panel appearance at the Bloody Scotland Festival in 2019 (this year’s dates are 21st-23rd September) and a series of three one-to-one mentoring sessions with Abir Mukherjee.
Closes 9th of September 2018. Details here

Hour of Writes Competition. To enter this new weekly peer-reviewed contest from Manchester, submit a piece of writing of any type you choose running to no more than 2,000 words. There is a different theme every week. Closing: 11pm every Friday. Prize: £50 (usually the minimum – prize increases if more entries are received).
 Entry Fee £3. Details here

Dark Tales Short Story Competition. For horror and speculative fiction – the sort that leaves you afraid to turn out the lights in case something other than a fly is hiding under the bed. Like a Spider, for example. No matter how small. All those legs. And far too many eyes…Anyway… your entry must be limited to 5,000 words. Closing: Monthly. Prize: £100 and publication. Entry Fee £4. Details here

Flash 500 Competition. Write an entire story in just 500 words. Easy peasy. (And you would have practiced with your Telegraph entry, right?) Now in its ninth year, this quarterly open-themed competition has the remaining 2018 closing dates of 30th September and 31st December 2018.
Entry Fee £5 per story or £8 for two. The results will be announced within six weeks of each closing date and the three winning entries each quarter will be published on their website. Details here

Words of Mouth

As recent statistics have shown – that Takeaway Time is an actual time and happens around 7pm anywhere in the world where there’s a menu and a mobile phone – I have noticed a lack of blogs dropping into my inbox. Aha! Must be the summer holidays, or the Sholidays, if you will. Not that everyone goes away to holiday – quite often holidays these days can just mean not wading into the on-line fray to blog or tweet, or leaving your phone turned off. Ah, the pleasures of being disconnected.

But if you are still connected, but in an indolent, can’t really be arsed, holibob kind of way, here is a little wordful summertime blog, embracing lots of silly words that absolutely should be used far more often. Thank you, OED, and every single one of you cyberwriters.

Starting near the top of the dictionary, I found this word – Abacist – which is a person who makes calculations using an abacus. They’re just everywhere aren’t they, those abacists. But what a great character for your next short story or even novel. Architect? Schmarchitect.  Doctor? No thanks. Pilot? Nah. I know! An Abacist…

Honeyfuggle: Not a type of hop, (although it should be) this means to deceive or swindle and has a soft gooey sound to it. It could lend itself to some sort of poem or imaginary recipe. Take three beans, a can of water juice, some starlight and splosh of mermaid tear, mix well and leave out under a full moon to set. Be careful not to use it to Honeyfuggle your neighbour.  

Lollygag: The origin of this word is unknown, but it first appeared in the 1860s and means someone who is messing around or wasting time, or who is doing something that isn’t serious or useful and is to all intents and purposes, idle. Not quite sure how you’d slip that into conversation these days

Dev:    See Dave over there?
Paul:   Yeah?
Dev:    ‘E’s a bit lollygag, isn’t ‘e?
Paul:   pause Not a clue mate…

Taradiddle: a posh word for a petty lie.
Tara Diddle: Age 32, single. Self-starter, entrepreneur, thief.
You can have that one.

ELI5: I like this one, and it’s courtesy of our friend the internet. For those who don’t know, it means Explain Like I’m 5. I used it recently when ‘chatting’ with a mechanic about an issue with my car. Once the mechanic stopped talking compressors and crankshafts at me I muttered ‘Eli5’ at him. Then of course had to explain what I was talking about…

Pauciloquent: not in use much these days, unfortunately, and it means a person who uses few words in speech or conversation. Makes a change from someone being simply dull, I suppose

Blimpery: An attitude or outlook that pompously and peremptorily rejects social change, new ideas etc., in the manner of Colonel Blimp; Oh and don’t we know a few of them?!!

Frabjous: – this means joyful, apparently, and was created by Lewis Carroll in Through the Looking Glass. Not sure it really caught on…

Quaaltagh: (Manx English) This is the practice or custom of going in a group from door to door at Christmas or New Year, typically making a request for food or other gifts in the form of a song. Or in other words, annoying your friends and neighbours by singing loudly, out of tune and in their faces, encouraged by a little too much beer or lager. Most popular songs include ‘I Reeeeeally Love You’, ‘Kebab! Kebab! Kebab!’  ‘Sh*t I’ve Lost My Phone’ and ‘Can I use Your Loo?’

How can you not use this word: Roocoocooing. It means the cooing of a pigeon or dove. Awww

Rosal: hardly used anymore, this means, unsurprisingly Rose-Coloured or Rosy. Easily infiltrated into an historical novel MS if tried hard enough (‘cause everyone’s got a spare one of those hanging around somewhere)

You might not use this one very often, and I’ve only included it here because I like the word proglottids: Strobila – the segmented part of the body of a tapeworm that consists of a long chain of proglottids. Police Procedural anyone?

IMG_3309.JPG

I can’t remember when I last heard this word being used. Or the first time, come to that. Yolkiness: the quality or character of being…er…yolky. But then any word with two ‘y’s and a ‘k’ in it has to be good. Or maybe Dutch.

And number fourteen in this (I like to think) educational list, Nollie: (and it’s one I do All The Time) – a jump performed in skateboarding and snowboarding without the aid of a take-off ramp, executed by pressing the foot down on the nose of the board.

Not included for the word itself, but because I like the idea of needing a take-off ramp. For anything. The applications are endless, starting with getting out of bed in the morning…

Happy Hols!

SPELLISM

Today it gives me great pleasure to host this poem by writer and adult literacy expert  Hugo Kerr. Hugo has published several books on the subject and is a wonderful exponent of just write it – it’ll be right!

He says on his website I love to debate with like-minds of like-enthusiasms. It has been my experience that great fruitfulness often results. Sometimes heat is generated, but so is light. If you want to discuss literacy with me you are very welcome to write to me via hkerr@aol.com
Over to you, Hugo…

Spellism

Some people find it hard to spell
While others do it very well.
The latter can be very quick
To criticise; they get a kick
From knowing how to spell a word
Of which most people haven’t heard.

They like to think this proves they’re clever,
Although they practically never
Stop to think if this is true
Or not. I recommend that you
And I should give some thought
To what it means to spell; we ought
To look at history – this will tell
That William Shakespeare couldn’t spell
For peanuts, and his royal queen
(H.R.H. Liz one, I mean)
Was twice as bad. One can tell at a
Glance, though, that it didn’t matter!

Dr Johnson hadn’t yet
Thrown his stiff, pedantic net
Over the language; he had not
Invented standard spelling – what
You wrote was what you thought looked best;
You simply wrote and left the rest.

You left the reading to the reader
Who, at this time, didn’t need a
Massive dictionary. (Which was
As well, you understand, because
There wasn’t one as yet.) You see
A writer, way back then, was free
To spell exactly how he liked.
His writing had not yet been spiked
By the debilitating fear
That folk might giggle, sniff or sneer
At what he’d written – for no better
Reason than they thought his letter
Patterns were a little odd
Compared to those laid down by God
(Or was it Dr Johnson) for
A standard spelling, evermore.
A “spellist” age we live in now,
Where you are often judged by how
You spell liaise or guarantee,
People or Arachnidae.

It’s very easy to admit
You have more than a little bit
Of problem with your maths, and yet
There is no way that you would let
The knowledge that your spelling’s bad
Get out at any price.

It’s sad
To say this, but we know
That spelling well just doesn’t show
Intelligence, for any fool
Can learn to spell in infant school –
Given the chance

For reasons why
Some don’t achieve this we should try
Examining the wider picture,
Which would make our theory richer.

As well as this, though, we should learn
How negative it is to spurn
A person (just as though he smells)
Simply because of how he spells.

Spelling is spelling, nothing more.
It isn’t “authorship” and nor
Does it equate to writing; it
Isn’t wisdom, truth or wit.

It is an unimportant skill,
A simple, boring memory drill;
Nothing to do, as you can see,
With art, or creativity.

Writing that’s beautiful, or true,
Has its influence on you
Not, for heaven’s sake, because
Of how the bloody spelling was!

Jelly Fish Fingers

If Jelly Fish
Had jelly fingers
I probably would linger
less
to look.
Although the fact that they don’t
still means that I won’t
hang about
any more than I need to.
For something that swims
without eyes brain or fins
is by sure
an amazing creature.

Even if they are bit creepy..

jelly fish.JPG
Moon Jellyfish having a love-in somewhere on the south coast

Negativity – The Power of Words

Recently I read four contrasting pieces of writing. A blog, a poem and two short stories. Three of the four had one thing in common – the message and comment were negative. And not in a good way. I mean, if you were waiting for some test results and wanted more than anything for those results to be negative, then that’s negative in a positive way, right? But just to be negative without finding a positive – or indeed even looking for a positive – doesn’t help anyone and can isolate your readers.

Let me elaborate. Item one, the poem. Written by an elderly gent who had a subtle rant about how awful the world had become and how dreadful that all the fields (one, probably) were being turned over to build houses. His poem was not just irritating but self-indulgent and – if I may invent another word for the sake of this blog – Blamey. Everyone else was responsible, in his mind, for his childhood haunts of field and copse being built upon. All I can say in response, really, is that this particular gent, who is father of two, both offspring having bred and created 7 more people between them who need somewhere to live, should, as a young man, have kept his trousers on. Would his poem have been so damning of the growth of humankind if someone pointed out to him that he was part of that growth? I think he was rather proud of his poem, read with much anger and negativity. Or may be it was fear I could see pencilled between the lines. Item two; short story. A strange story the seeds of which were sown during a brief conversation in a library. Too much time, the writer considered, was spent making the local library look like a children’s play centre with too many silly books. ‘The Penguin’s Poo’ and ‘My Sister Smells’ were two publications that caught this particular writer’s eye, and boy did she object. A condescending tirade on why children aren’t taught to read Alice Through The Looking Glass or How The Leopard Got It’s Spots these days highlights the ghastly state of contemporary parenting. Clearly this author didn’t have a dyslexic or vision-impaired child in her family, for whom reading Alice and her looking glass would have been an impossible mountain to climb, let alone go through. Penguin’s Poo however was full of colour and verve, was boundary-free and expressive. Just the thing to hook a child into the wonderful world of books and keep them there into adulthood. This author’s short story was no more than a negative comment on parenting seen through her own narrow lens and not a story anyone would want to share.

Item three. The blog. Oh dear, where to start. Put it this way, if you’re a blogger – whether full time, part time or once in a while time, please make it something people want to read! Humorous. Informative. Cheeky. Helpful. But not Negative. That doesn’t help anyone and neither does it achieve anything. Concerned about the habitat of the nine-legged ground-dwelling Purple Spider? Raise awareness, encourage the saving of the habitat by getting your readers on-board. Shouting at people from the page will just make some of them think Good. Too many spiders in the world anyway.

Item four. The other short story. What an inspiring breath of fresh air. May be it’s an age thing, because this short story was a short sharp message from a young man who had been bullied terribly at school and developed bulimia because of it. He found the only way to express himself, to give free rein to all his fears and worries and uncertainties was to write. He explained that he’d written a diary during his teenage years, cataloguing the abuse and bullying he endured, the solace and self-loathing he found in food, and the release he found in self-induced vomiting. The vortex he found himself being dragged further and further into having been pushed there by others was terrifying. But the light-bulb moment, the instant he found something deep inside himself to cling on to and pull himself away from that destructive behaviour was inspiring. His story over-flowed with positivity and not once did he accuse his abusers of anything. He just told it like it was. He was 19 when he wrote this short story and read it in public for the first time when he was 22. He put the other three authors to shame. He was young enough to be grandson to each of them and despite his terrible ordeal threaded positivity through his story. I could think of a few old dogs in serious need of learning some new tricks.

We can all write whatever we want (democracy is good for some things, right?) but if it’s just a negative rant about the good old days, please, keep it to yourself. Try spreading the love instead.